Modern Day Convenience
by deathbyhugs
Summary: Nobody can understand what the cloaked men are saying! Upon stumbling into Salazar's castle, Leon and Ashley are thrown into a more complicated situation..a language barrier! Confusion and fear rise as they struggle to understand... and what's this? R


Author Note: Wow, I haven't done anything Resident Evil-ish for a LONG time! Eventually I'll get something a tad more serious up but for now it's some not-so-serious stuff! Whoo! This wee one-shot was inspired by a friend's mom and how she thought the ganadoes were saying "modern day convenience" instead of "morir es vivir". More of this mystery shall be revealed starting now! Please leave a review at the end :)

ALSO! Anyone that can guess where I got the whole argument over migrating coconuts from will get free cookies! Yay! And yes, I can bake... I just get flour EVERYWHERE!

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_**Modern Day Convenience**_

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"I found him!"

The ganado (one of many, actually) holding a burning torch eyed Leon and Ashley as the two slowly inched closer to Salazar's castle. There was no way he'd let them escape, they had to die! Behind him, several ganadoes cluttered around, their intentions the same as his. It was time to get them for good! Yeah!

Leon took another step backwards, the wooden planks of the castle drawbridge creaking under his feet. This was a situation they could easily get out of... if, of course, those inhabiting the castle were kind folk... but he doubted that. For now, they needed to put some distance between themselves and those psycho maniacs.

"On the other side of the bridge!" He yelled towards Ashley as the ganadoes charged forwards.

"Yeah."

They ran to the rusted handles, standing between either one. Leon pointed to the handle opposite of him. "You take that one!"

"Okay."

They each grasped onto different handles, glancing up briefly to see how close their stalkers were. Leon flexed his muscles and looked towards the frightened blond. "Ready?"

The drawbridge slowly came down, the old chains screeching as they were freed from choking coils. The ganadoes charged forwards and kept their murderous eyes on both escapees before they ran into a wall of pure lumber.

"Damn it!"

Leon let go of the rusted handle and stood up straight. He glanced at the main entrance behind them. "Come on!"

Ashley nodded. "Yeah."

They ran closer and closer to the castle interior second by second but were stopped as a familiar voice came from above them. It was Luis, the one and only, standing up high on the ledge of the castle wall, peering down at them as if they were mere ants.

"Who goes there?"

"It is I, Leon, and Ashley. We're coming inside now!" The gunman answered, his voice echoing throughout the open area.

Ashley clutched her arms. It was freezing out here! Maybe that sweater tied around her neck would come in handy... but she didn't think it would match her plaid green skirt. "Please!" She yelled. "Let us in! My feet are killing me and my boots are starting to sound too much like coconuts!"

Luis drew back, confused and flabbergasted. "You're using coconuts!"

"What?" Questioned Leon. What was Luis up to now?

"You're using coconuts!" The ex-cop got no response and pointed to Ashley as if accusing her of some horrible crime. "You just said that you've got coconuts in your boots!"

Ashley blinked. "Uhhh...?"

Luis narrowed his eyes, then asked in suspicion. "Where'd you get those coconuts?"

Leon slouched, sighing inwardly. What the hell was going on here? He looked up to where Luis stood. "We found them," he said sarcastically.

"Found them?" The Spaniard scoffed. "In rural Spain? Why, they're tropical here!"

It was Ashley's turn to sigh. "If a Swallow may fly south with the sun or the House Martin or the Plover may seek warmer climates in winter, yet these are not strangers to you land?"

Luis cocked his head to the side, eyes still narrowed. Some people were really messed up. "Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate...?"

Both Leon and Ashley sighed. They were getting nowhere... and fast. This was becoming one set of stupid questions about coconuts after the other. Ashley glanced towards Leon and he nodded before they both moved on, taking their first steps into what was Salazar's castle.

Off in the distance they could hear Luis... "Am I right or what?"

There was a small sentry house made completely out of bricks not too far ahead of them. Leon entered first, gun drawn, and nearly jumped upon spotting their handy dandy merchant off in a secluded corner.

Leon shuddered. _Stalker!_

The merchant, who had been trying to tie a coconut to a Swallow to see if it would migrate, coughed roughly and quickly hid the squawking bird within his trench coat.

"Welcome stranger and strangeress!"

"Where are we?" Ashley asked as she watched the old man's coat move around and make demented noises.

"How would I know?"

Leon, who wasn't paying much attention, nor did he care, began to grab whatever bullets he could find in the small building. He left immediately after with Ashley in tow. With much haste, they climbed two sets of stone stairs, went through an oddly red coloured door, and froze upon hearing words so alien that they were frightening.

"Morir es vivir," which translated to, in the escapees' minds: "Modern day convenience, modern day convenience."

Leon raised an eyebrow. What kind of spooky cult language was that? With his handgun aimed forwards, they inched closer. They had to find out the meaning of this!

"Modern day convenience, modern day convenience," one of the two ganadoes that had just came into view whispered.

Leon and Ashley ducked behind a wooden box that stood in front of them. They watched the cloaked figured saunter back and forth, chanting up a storm.

"Modern day convenience, modern day convenience."

"Coffee to go, coffee to go, coffee to go," the other one began to whisper.

"I think they're trying to brainwash us," Ashley stated as she continued to crouch behind the box. "That has to be it!"

"Well I think they forgot their lines."

"_I_ doubt that."

"Listen," Leon argued. "There is now way that they're trying to brainwash us, they can't even see us! We're hidden! _H-i-d-d-e-n!"_

"Modern day convenience, modern day convenience."

Both Leon and Ashley froze. The voice was not so far away anymore... it was right behind them!

"I'm going to be brainwashed!" Ashley wailed, pulling on her hair and swaying from side to side. "This is the end of me!"

Leon stood up, tilted his gun to the appropriate angle, then pulled the trigger. A perfect head shot had been made. _Take that, modern day convenience! Ha!_ Without anymore problems, they moved on after taking out the second chanting ganado and began to climb a set of winding brick stairs.

Ashley continuously looked over her shoulder and jumped each time the sound of her heels connecting with the stairs echoed around. Above them, scrambling around on one of many stone towers, was what Ashley thought to be another ganado. When whoever it was popped it's ugly head over the edge, the President's daughter ran so fast she bumped right into Leon.

"Coconuts!" Yelled Luis, pointing at Ashley. "Coconuts!"

"Come one, let's go," ushered Leon as they purposely moved so that Luis couldn't see them.

The stairs ended and gave away to an extremely open area. Leon stood alert, eying every square inch in front of him before deciding that it was safe enough to proceed. Ashley kept a close watch on the castle towers and sentry posts all the while keeping her boot noise low. She didn't want coconut man on their trail again.

"There's something no quite right about this place..."

"What do you mean, Leon?"

Leon was about to load a new clip into his gun but halted all movement upon hearing those dreadful words. The words so dreadful that it made his head spin, force his stomach to become sick, and his ears to ring loudly. _Noooooo!_

"Modern day convenience, modern day convenience!"

Cloaked figures, quite a bunch of them too, stepped out from behind stone pillars, crates, and came down a set of stairs opposite of the two escapees. Each chanted the haunting words in harmony as they drew closer and closer.

"W-what are they carrying?" Ashley questioned as she pointed towards a ganado holding what seemed to be a large household item.

"It's a washing machine!" Shouted Leon. "No! It can't be!"

"Modern day convenience, modern day convenience!"

Another cloaked figure appeared with a paper bag from McDonalds with a happy meal inside of it.

"_Noooo!_" Wailed Ashley. "Not fast food! Ahhhh!"

Two ganadoes began to drag a dishwasher from behind a large wooden crate, directing it towards Ashley and Leon. Fear rose in their hearts for to see a dishwasher certainly meant death.

"What are we going to do Leon?"

"I don't know, but this looks bad."

"Modern day convenience, modern day convenience!"

Leon fumbled with his gun and cursed under his breath as it slipped from his grasp and collided with the foot of a ganado carrying a telephone. Behind him, Ashley began to panic. They were trapped. The cloaked men were too strong!

"Modern day convenience, modern day convenience!"

Leon grasped his head and fell to his knees.

"Modern day convenience, modern day convenience!"

"_Nooooooo!"_

The last thing he saw was a washing machine, a telephone, a dishwasher, and a bag of fast food before his word went black.

"_Modern day convenience!"_

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_**End**_

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